Another one, just like all the rest

Jeez, what a whiny baby I was yesterday. I guess I'm a little better today, but it's early!

I was greeted this morning by my neighbor's cat, who was removing a dead mole from my backyard. One less mole is always a good thing.

I went to Mass. Sitting in the front row, in a handicapped section, was an old man with a cane. I was delighted to see that his cane was in fact a golf club! He was a very enthusiastic singer, and his voice carried all over the church -- to the point he actually distracted the Cantor. I was dismayed to catch sight of her looking at him and almost laughing during one of the songs. Fortunately she composed herself... I don't know if I could have been so disciplined!

The cantor's husband and son were sitting nearby. As a family, they almost look Stepfordian: she is thin, pretty, youthful looking; her husband is tall, fit, perfectly groomed; their son is also tall, neat as a pin, very nice-looking. And they clearly love each other; well, at least that's how it appears. During the sign of peace, the son walked over to his mother (who was standing at the podium) and they gave each other a very loving hug. He returned to his father and gave him a hug -- not the norm for a boy in his mid-to late teens. I found myself choking up at this sweet display.

It was hard to kneel today -- my knees get very sore, probably because I've gotten so fucking fat. As I was walking up for communion, I thought how lucky I was that I could still walk. Still -- I hate that word. It's crazy that I am grateful that I can do what I've always been able to do and what everyone else does...sigh, I guess we should all be grateful and never take anything for granted. But, still...

I feel sort of hollow inside today. Mass was not satisfactory. I just go through the motions, and wonder why I bother. I guess I keep hoping I'll find an answer.

I don't want to take anything for granted, I don't want to feel sad, I don't want to cry. So, once I hit "publish" I am going to show Louise to the door and not look at her ugly stupid person all day.