PPA*

*Pity party alert. I know I'm tired and that probably contributes to the tone of this post. Just letting you know.

My legs continue to feel heavy. Yeah, I know, I'm tired. But it's DIFFERENT. Just like my right arm is different--more different. My shoulder is more limited. We work on it at PT, I do my homework. End of the day, it hurts too go too far, which didn't used to be too far. My right hand can barely make a fist anymore. My left hand is feeling a lot like the right hand when I thought the right hand felt funny.

I'm getting a glimpse of what's ahead and I don't like it.

I was told today I'm handling this well. I'm not, not always, not really. Today is one of those days. Today I'm sad about things, a life I won't have. A life I want desperately and won't get to live. Things I will have to give up, likely sooner rather than later. Sometimes I want to give them up now because it hurts so much knowing that I'm really just drawing things out. But the thought of losing these very precious parts of my life fills me with more sadness.

Tomorrow I'll be asked how I am. I'll say I'm fine, maybe even peachy. And on one level that will be true and has to be true because what else is there?

The what else is where I am tonight.