THE ODDS (Debbie Does ALS)



Not such a great day today. Despite the lack of any physical evidence, I suspect my hormones are still pumping at full cycle. Regardless, I can't seem to shake a sadness about the things I have lost and am losing.

Tonight a group of women I have known for years and with whom I used to run came to my house for a mini buffet in honor of another friend who was visiting from out of town. In addition to providing food for the buffet, these dear souls also prepared food for my freezer (hence incr-edible). Their kindness knows no bounds, their generosity is unparalleled, their friendship is genuine and much cherished.

It took about three seconds for me to create a spectacle by crying when the guest of honor said she missed running with the group. I feel like that, too. I excused myself and went upstairs, followed closely by my friends. I felt ridiculous, ashamed by my emotion. Not quickly enough, I recovered a bit of my dignity and went back to the group. From that point on all was well, but I did notice that conversation steered away from running. When it was reintroduced, it was often nostalgic and involved races I had run. In hindsight, I am more embarrassed about that because I do not want only to be happy when remembering things I used to do -- I want to be able to celebrate what my friends are doing now without being a stupid head crybaby idiot.

I wonder if I will ever get to a point where I don't ache for what might have been. This applies not just to running, but to so much else.

I am lucky to have such supportive and loving friends in all areas of my life. I need to be better at managing my feelings and my acceptance of the inevitable, at least for everyone else and maybe a little for myself.

But what I wouldn't give...

1 comment:

Scott Crawford said...

Don't be so hard on yourself, Deb. You're doing the best you can, which is all any of us can do, and you're self-aware, which is more than a lot of us manage to be.

You're the bravest "stupid head crybaby idiot" I know.

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