Warning: Pity party in progress

Many many many many times today my right fingers have gone on a tear. The rebel pinky jumps all over. The ring finger hits computer keys at random and totally screws with my mouse. The forefinger curls and spasms and the forearm painfully contracts. When this happens I try to stretch my hand and fingers and it helps--temporarily. As well, there is increased "pinpoint" twitching in the hand, forearm and bicep. I say pinpoint because it feels like an electric twinge, not like the (still) constant overall twitching I've become accustomed to. It's not painful, but it's very noticeable.

Something else to note: It's getting harder to lift my right arm. I feel like I've got weights strapped onto it, even when I do the simplest things like turn the volume on the car stereo.

I'm so afraid of losing function, first in this limb and then going forward. How am I going to do for myself? I had to ask for help tonight carrying stupid pizza boxes to my car because I was also carrying a cup of coffee. I hate that these little tiny tasks can no longer be accomplished without assistance.

I almost wish I could die now. I know that sounds ridiculous because I'm still in relatively great shape, but it won't always be this way. And I don't look forward to the change and don't want to see the faces of those who see the change and who will be saddled with this lump of nothing.

I'm being such a baby tonight. I don't know what's come over me. Maybe Mr D, maybe I looked down the road of what I'd hoped for and know I won't achieve, maybe I'm just tired. It doesn't matter. I just know I'm sad and scared right now.