Smilin'

Today I acknowledge more weakness in my right hand. I can't touch my thumb to my pinky as I used to; this used to be my benchmark. When I try my thumb cramps for a long time, it's even a bit painful.

My right wrist is very thin, to the point where my fingers meet and then some when I circle the wrist.

My ring finger is separating from the others more than before.

I stood at the elevator today on my way to some little task and thought how nice it was to be busy, to be distracted...when I was hit with a gigantic, sad truth. Despite the distractions, the disease is encroaching. I'm trying so hard to smile in the face of it but today I had a tough time. I broke my rule and looked forward, down the road. I wish I hadn't. Denial is a much better state of existence.

April and the next clinic visit are only 5 or 6 weeks away. Please oh please let the lithium prove beneficial. I'm not ready for this.

A note to my loved ones who read this: I apologize. I'm trying very hard not to drag you down into this place. The enormity of what is happening is overwhelming to me sometimes, it scares me so much. I'm sorry you are going through it, too.

Time to run. Thank God.