Sorry about that previous post. Been a long day.

And I've had lots on my mind.

When we die, where do we go? For most of my life I've believed there is a better place, a heaven, where our perfect selves live forever.

I have always said I am a Christian. Was baptized a Catholic, spent my teen years as a Southern Baptist. At 14 I was "born again" and believed wholeheartedly all I had to do was turn my problems over to Jesus and he'd take care of me. I rejoined the Catholic church when I got married because my husband was a lifelong Catholic and I wanted to raise our children in one church, one faith.

I did raise my kids in the church. Saw them all through to Confirmation. Maintained a liberal 20th and 21st century relationship with my God. I'm not a good Catholic, much too modern for that, but I go to Mass and try to take away lessons from each one. The Catholic church, like the Southern Baptists, tells us we are all working toward that goal, that perfect afterlife, in Heaven.

But in recent months I've had doubts about that and my faith. I know we are all going to die. I know I am going to die sooner than I'd anticipated. What then? Yesterday Lynne said, during our run, that she believed we do go to that better place. Today, during Easter Mass, it was all about Christ's death and resurrection. But is there really a heaven? At one time I believed it without question.

But I question it now. I question God now. I often think this whole God and heaven thing is a bunch of nonsense and that after we die we just stop. Our bodies just cease to function and then are disposed of in whatever manner we've communicated to those to whom we've entrusted those details.

I look around at Mass and try to see us as an outsider would see us. Very cult like, chanting and singing and lining up to take communion--the body of Christ--up, down, standing, kneeling, crossing ourselves...what is this? Are we all deluded? How can this be real?

All these musings have gotten me nowhere, and lead to this ridiculous rambling. Apologies.