Why disappointed?

What a day.

Jen and Dan were talking to me today and Jen mentioned she'd heard about the race and how cool and exciting it was the crew was doing this. I'm so grateful for the concern and support of "the kids" but today, today the realization that this race is being held because of my fucking terminal illness weighed heavy on me.

I've been mopey today. Not so much in public (except for the tears after the conversation with Jen and Dan) but here. I hate to say or even think some of what is written here but I have these thoughts and it IS helpful--except I know you are reading this and I don't want you to become frustrated and bored and irritated with the repetitive "oh poor me" I often dump into this place.

Wendy and Mike were telling me at Easter they are taking a retirement class. It made me so jealous.

When I consolidated my various retirement vehicles, I felt quite pleased I'd managed to put away what I considered a fairly decent sum. Art (my $$ guy) said my funds would roughly double in seven years and double again seven years after that (generally that is the way it works). He said I'd be able to be comfortable in my retirement. I was looking so forward to moving to NoVa after C Claire went to college, living close enough to bike to work and run the trails. An "active senior."

But now, with forced retirement looming who knows when, as a disabled NOTHING, dependent on a shrinking retirement account (thanks, George W.) and a housing market that doesn't give me much hope for selling my house at any decent price (a necessity, since I must go to a house that is ONE LEVEL for my anticipated WHEELCHAIR), I feel cheated and robbed and intensely disappointed.

Sigh. This mood will pass. Hopefully sooner rather than later. But Louise will still be here. And the timing sucks.